


Haunted by the Past

by CherieoftheDragons (SignCherie), SignCherie



Category: Dragon Age (Video Games), Dragon Age - All Media Types, Dragon Age: Inquisition
Genre: Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, Fluff and Angst, Iron Bull/Dorian Pavis, M/M
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2016-01-24
Updated: 2016-02-01
Packaged: 2018-05-16 01:51:47
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 4
Words: 6,157
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5808706
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/SignCherie/pseuds/CherieoftheDragons, https://archiveofourown.org/users/SignCherie/pseuds/SignCherie
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Modern AU. It's been three years since Dorian and Hendrik Trevelyan broke up, and Dorian has moved on to Iron Bull. But when Hendrik turns up in his life again, Dorian finds he can't resist the lure of his past love.</p><p>Starring Dorian as an up-and-coming fashion designer, Iron Bull as the lead singer of the Chargers, and Hendrik Trevelyan as a selfless trauma surgeon.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. A Chance Encounter

**Author's Note:**

  * For [chenria](https://archiveofourown.org/users/chenria/gifts).



> Hendrik and Estelle Trevelyan belong to Chenria, who has graciously allowed me the use of her characters.
> 
> This happens to take place in the same universe as INKquisition, but it functions as a standalone fic.
> 
> Huge thanks to my beta Aphreal.

As soon as Dorian and Iron Bull stepped into the restaurant, Dorian noticed Bull fidgeting. “I don’t know about this.”

Dorian gave him a look. “This is a five star restaurant.”

“Yeah.” Bull rubbed the back of his neck. “That’s kind of my point.”

Dorian frowned. “Don’t worry. You look sensational.” And he did. The suit he wore was perfectly tailored to his large frame, the collar open, revealing a tantalizing glimpse of smooth, olive skin. Dorian had designed the suit for him, and looking at him in it now, Dorian was sure it was one of the best decisions he’d ever made. “You’ll fit right in.”

Bull tugged on his sleeve. “Yeah.”

Dorian approached the hostess. “Reservation for Pavus, my friend.”

The woman checked the list, then nodded. “Right this way, Mr. Pavus.”

As they followed the hostess through the restaurant, Dorian took in the decor with satisfaction. Glittering chandeliers hung from the ceiling. Beautiful artwork adorned the walls. Candles twinkled on every table.

Dorian liked clubbing, really, he did. And he liked attending the Chargers’ concerts. Iron Bull was a gifted performer, and Dorian felt a surge of pride every time he heard Bull sing.

But this was where Dorian felt at home. And he needed a treat every now and then.

They reached their table and took their seats. Bull was looking around, his mouth set in a grim line. “I’m going to need a drink.”

Dorian cringed inwardly, but the hostess just smiled politely and handed them both the menus and wine lists.

When she was gone, Iron Bull slumped in his seat. “I think this jacket is too tight in the shoulders.”

Dorian bristled. That jacket was his creation. “It’s certainly not. That suit fits you perfectly.”

Bull rolled his shoulders. “I don’t think it’s me.”

Dorian felt like he’d been slapped. “I designed it for you specifically.”

“Yeah. It’s really nice. Just -- maybe I’ll take off the jacket.”

“Jackets are required here.”

“Oh. Right. I forgot.”

Their waiter arrived at that moment. “Hello, I’m Paul, and I’ll be --”

“Can I get a Corona?”

Dorian was aghast at Bull’s manners.

The waiter blinked. “Yes, certainly, sir.” He turned to Dorian. “And you?”

Dorian’s plans for a romantic night sipping champagne with his lover evaporated like so much smoke. “I’ll need to look at the wine list.”

“Yes, sir. Would you care to hear the specials?”

“Please.”

The waiter smoothly rattled off the specials of the day, and Dorian thanked him. When they were alone again, Iron Bull frowned at the menu. “Don’t they have a good burger?”

Dorian tried to hide his anger. “What do you do when those record producers take you out to places like this?”

“Smile and order the calamari.”

“So why can’t you do that now?”

Bull’s brow creased. “Because that’s work. When I’m with you, I want to be myself, you know?”

He reached a hand across the table, and after a moment, Dorian took it. As much as he hated it, perhaps Bull had a point. Dorian was pushing him into an uncomfortable environment and expecting him to be at home. And that wasn’t fair.

But what did that mean for Dorian? That he had to give up five-star restaurants and resign himself to bars and pubs for the rest of his life?

Iron Bull watched him fondly, and Dorian pushed the thoughts away. Bull travelled so much, always on tour. They were together now, and Dorian wouldn’t waste that time being upset.

So he sighed dramatically and made a joke of it. “All this ambience, and it’s wasted on you.”

Iron Bull chuckled. “Hey, as long as I’m with you, I’m good.”

“Indeed. I must say I’m glad we have more than a few weeks together this time.” He squeezed Bull’s hand. “I’ve missed you.”

Bull’s face froze.

A sinking feeling spread through Dorian. “You’re not going away again.”

Iron Bull grimaced. “It’s that music video. Production got moved up --”

“How soon?”

Bull looked away. “Tomorrow.”

Dorian felt cold. “But you just got back.”

“I know. I’m sorry.”

“Can’t you --”

“You know I can’t. The Chargers are counting on me. I gotta be there for them.”

_ And when are you going to be there for me? _

“You could come with me,” Bull said.

“I have a runway show this weekend. You know, the one you’d promised to be there for.”

Iron Bull’s face fell. “I want to be there--”

Dorian couldn’t listen anymore. “You know what? I’m going to the restroom.”

WIth that, he stood up and stormed off, trying and failing to hold his emotions together.

He was so distracted, he walked straight into a woman coming out of the ladies’ room. He tried to grab onto her, to steady her, but she toppled onto the floor.

“Excuse me, I’m so sorry --” He reached down to give her a hand and did a double take. “Estelle?”

Estelle Trevalyen blinked up at him. Blond hair escaped from the elegant hairstyle she wore, mussed from the fall. She was a sight he was more than happy to see. Ever since Dorian and her brother Hendrik had-- 

A pang went through him, and he pushed the memory of Hendrik aside. He wouldn’t think about their breakup. He hadn’t seen Estelle in far too long, and he was genuinely pleased to see her here.

But she wasn’t smiling back. In fact, she looked -- frightened. Why would she…

And then Dorian noticed. Her right arm was gone.

His first instinct was to tell her how sorry he was, to ask how it had happened. But Estelle was looking away, her cheeks flaming red. And he realized his pity was the last thing she wanted.

So he grinned. “Come now. I know I’m handsome, but you don’t need to be speechless in my presence.”

Estelle looked up at him in surprise, and a small smile crept across her face.

Dorian laughed and reached for her left arm. Estelle allowed him to pull her back up to standing, staggering a bit as she did so. 

“Are you all right?”

“Yes.” Estelle steadied herself. “I think so.”

“Where have you been hiding these days?” Dorian asked.

“I’ve… been around.”

Lest her missing arm become the elephant in the room, he said, “I always knew those kids you teach would tear you apart, but I didn’t think they’d do it literally.”

Estelle froze.

A difficult subject, then. Dorian smoothly turned the conversation away from whatever accident had befallen her. “It’s been ages. You haven’t come to any of my shows. I’m quite offended.”

Estelle smiled again. “I’ve been a little busy.”

“No excuse,” Dorian said firmly. “You know, I have one on Saturday. You should be there. I’ll get you tickets.”

“Oh, I don’t know--”

“I insist. You can’t abandon me again, you know.”  _ Like someone else has _ , he thought darkly, thinking of Iron Bull.

“I didn’t mean to --”

Dorian grinned. “Please. I’ve just gotten some very unpleasant news. I need your support.”

Estelle chewed on her lower lip.

“Estelle? What are you…”

Dorian’s heart started pounding as soon as he heard the voice. He and Estelle both turned to face the speaker.

Hendrik.

He looked wonderful. All his dark hair had been buzzed off, emphasizing his handsome features -- blue eyes, smooth brown skin, even the scar across the left side of his face. Dorian hadn’t seen him in months, and now he drank in the sight of him.

Hendrik seemed to be just as affected. He was staring at Dorian, emotion shining in his eyes.

It was Hendrik who spoke first. “Hello, Dorian.”

Dorian found his voice. “Hendrik.”

“How...have you been?”

“I’ve been well.” Dorian cleared his throat. “And you?”

“Good. Fine. I --” Hendrik seemed as if he would say something else, but then he closed his mouth abruptly.

“And -- Doctors Without Borders?”

“Oh. I -- I’ve left them. I work in a hospital now. Swedish Covenant.”

“You do?” Dorian was shocked. Hendrik loved his work. His frequent travels had been what broke them up so many months before. And now -- he was here?

“Yeah.” Hendrik looked down. “I think I -- it was nice seeing you. I should get back to my table.”

With that, he turned on his heel and walked away.

Dorian looked at Estelle. Her brow creased, and without another word, she followed her brother, leaving a stunned Dorian behind.

 

“He looks good,” Estelle said to her brother.

Hendrik fiddled with his menu, trying not to think about it. “He always did.”

“He has a runway show this weekend.”

As if he needed to hear details about Dorian’s life. As if he needed to know what he was missing.

Who was he kidding? He wanted to know everything about Dorian.

“Oh?” he said, doing his best to sound nonchalant.

Estelle cocked her head, clearly not fooled. “We could go.”

“Oh. I don’t -- that may not be the best idea.”

Estelle watched Hendrik for a moment. “You’re not travelling anymore.”

“I know, but --”

“Maybe it could work out now.”

Hendrik felt a surge of hope, and he squashed it down. “It’s over. He ended it. It’s in the past.”

“Did you see his face, though?”

Hendrik had seen it. He hadn’t been able to tear his eyes away.

“That was the face of a man still in love.”

His heart stuttered at her words.

“Let’s go to the show. What’s the worst that can happen?”

“I get my heart broken again.”

“But the best that can happen?”

Hendrik couldn’t even consider it. If he got his hopes up again, only to have them crushed --

He wouldn’t be able to take it.

“We can just sit in the audience. You don’t have to talk to him if you don’t want to.”

He shouldn’t. He really shouldn’t. He should stay away, put as much space between himself and Dorian as he possibly could.

But the possibility of seeing Dorian’s face one more time…

Hendrik had always loved attending Dorian’s fashion shows. The man had so much talent, and he was truly in his element among the models and stylists. Hendrik relished seeing him that way, so confident and happy, even amidst the last-minute stress.

He could see him like that again. All he had to do was say yes.

“All right,” he found himself saying.

 

When Dorian stepped out of the restroom, he saw Estelle waiting for him.

“You said you would get me tickets,” she said immediately. “Can you get me two?”

“Of course. I’ll email them to you. Do you still have the same address?”

Estelle smiled, a smile of genuine happiness. “Yes. Thank you.”

He nodded, and she turned and walked away.

Two tickets. Was she -- was she bringing Hendrik?

Dorian tried to brush it off. He was with Bull now. And Hendrik couldn’t want him anymore. They both had moved on. Dorian and Hendrik were the past, and he needed to look to the future.

But as he sat down across from Bull, he couldn’t get Hendrik’s face out of his mind.

 


	2. Possibilities

“You’re thinking about him,” Estelle said.

Hendrik looked up at her from the medical journal he’d been staring at but not really reading. “What?”

“Dorian. You’re thinking about him.”

“What makes you say that?”

Estelle gave him a knowing look. “Hendrik. You haven’t turned a page in that journal for ten minutes.”

Hendrik sighed and put the journal down. “Do we have to talk about this?”

“Why shouldn’t we?”

“Because--” Hendrik struggled to put his thoughts into words. “Because he left me. He broke my heart. I loved him, and --”

His sister watched him, her eyes full of sympathy.

“Everything fell apart.” Hendrik looked at the floor. “And I can’t pick up the pieces anymore.”

Estelle sat silently for a moment. Then she said, “We don’t have to go to his show on Saturday if you don’t want to.”

Hendrik shouldn’t go to that show. He knew he shouldn’t. Estelle was offering him an out, and he ought to take it.

But seeing Dorian again today, looking into those warm eyes -- and knowing that he could see him again in just a few days--

“No,” Hendrik said. “I want to go.”

Estelle smiled. With one arm, she pushed herself up, crossing the room to Hendrik and putting her hand on his shoulder. “Maybe,” she said, “you won’t have to pick up the pieces alone. Maybe -- maybe he’ll help you.”

 

Dorian ought to be having fun. It was a celebration, after all. But as the Chargers laughed and drank, excited to leave for their music video tomorrow, he couldn’t help feeling a little left out.

The feeling got worse when a group of women recognized the band and insinuated themselves into their party. Two very young, very pretty women were hanging all over Iron Bull, laughing at everything he said. And while Bull was nothing but polite to them, that didn’t stop Dorian from feeling irrationally jealous.

Krem ordered another round of shots for the group, and Dorian knocked his back. Rum. Not Dorian’s favorite drink, but then, the bar didn’t serve wine.

Iron Bull finally seemed to notice Dorian’s discomfort. He excused himself from the group and sidled up to Dorian.

“What’s wrong?” he shouted over the music.

Dorian could not have this conversation while shouting. “Nothing. Have a good time.”

Bull frowned. “I need some air!” he yelled. “Come outside with me?”

Dorian hesitated, then nodded. Bull took his hand, and Dorian followed him out of the bar. As soon as they stepped outside, Bull turned to him.

“All right. What is it?”

Dorian sighed, not wanting to ruin Bull’s night. “It’s nothing, love.”

Bull’s brow creased, and his eyes searched Dorian’s face. “You can talk to me, you know.”

Dorian looked up at the sky. “I had hoped -- it’s our last night together before you leave again. I’d hoped we might spend it together. Alone.” The way he always had with Hendrik before work called him back overseas.

Bull’s face fell. “Oh.”

Now Dorian felt bad. He knew how important the Chargers were to Bull. “It’s nothing,” he repeated. “Let’s just go back inside.”

“If I hadn’t already committed to this party--”

“I know.” Dorian sighed dramatically and made a joke of it. “I suppose I can endure one night of partying. Since you put up with my formal dinner earlier.”

Relief crossed Bull’s face, and he leaned down for a kiss, just a brief peck on the lips. “Thanks,” he said. “Come on, let’s go back in.”

“I’ll just wait out here for a bit. Get a little more air.”

“Sure thing.” Bull gave him another peck on the lips, then disappeared back into the bar.

Dorian tried hard not to remember how he’d spent his time with Hendrik, the quiet days in coffeehouses, relaxing with a book as Hendrik studied up on medicine or surfed the web on his laptop. They hadn’t needed to talk. Just being in each other’s presence was peaceful and calming.

But that was three years ago. And he couldn’t have that back, no matter how much he might want it.

Dorian was startled by the thought. Did he want what he’d had with Hendrik again? He was happy with Bull now. Wasn’t he?

Dorian sighed and pushed open the door, reluctantly returning to the Chargers and their groupies.

 


	3. Success... and Failure

When Hendrik and Estelle arrived at Dorian’s show, they found they had very good seats. Not front row, thank goodness, but only a few rows back from the runway. Hendrik was grateful to be back far enough not to run the risk of appearing in any reporter’s photos.

The seats were perfect, and Hendrik knew Dorian must have planned it that way. It was the kind of detail Dorian was so thoughtful about.

Hendrik’s pulse was racing, and he tried to calm it. Dorian would be so busy. He’d probably forgotten all about Hendrik the moment he’d left the restaurant on Thursday. What reason would Dorian have to think of the man he’d left behind, the man who hadn’t been good enough to keep?

But the expression on Dorian’s face when he’d looked into Hendrik’s eyes...

On his right, Estelle reached over and took Hendrik’s hand. Her touch was calming, and he gave her a grateful smile.

He could do this.

 

Dorian had a million things to take care of. Missing accessories, hairstyles that wouldn’t stay in place, broken shoes, lighting problems -- and yet, here he was, hiding from it all, peeking through a small opening in the curtain to see if Hendrik was out in the audience.

He was. Dorian spotted him right away. Not that Dorian had memorized where Hendrik’s seat would be or anything.

Hendrik looked magnificent. Perhaps a bit nervous, but still magnificent. He’d eschewed his t-shirts and torn jeans in favor of dark slacks and a grey button-down shirt that suited him well. Around his neck -- was that--?

Yes. It was the scarf Dorian had given him for his birthday so many years ago.

Dorian felt a swell of pride. Hendrik still had it. Perhaps… it still meant something to him, even today.

It was so good to see him.

Back in the day, Hendrik’s company had been soothing, secure. Looking at him now, Dorian found that feeling settling over him again. All the little worries that were eating at Dorian seemed to fall away. Hendrik had always had that effect on him, but Dorian was amazed to find that even now, with Hendrik so far away in so many ways, his mere presence brought it all back in full force.

Hendrik was here. Hendrik still believed in him. 

With a smile, Dorian turned back to his responsibilities, ready to tackle anything.

 

Hendrik didn’t know much about fashion. He’d picked up some things from Dorian, but he’d never quite had the eye for design. Still, even he could tell that Dorian’s work was fantastic. Edgy, unique, inventive. Or at least that was how Estelle described it.

What Hendrik noticed was how every piece, every dress, every suit, had Dorian’s touch. He couldn’t explain it exactly. He only knew that there was something about the style that screamed Dorian Pavus. Even though Dorian was nowhere to be seen, Hendrik felt as if he were right there in the room with him.

When the last model left the runway, the crowd was on its feet, applauding. Hendrik stood, too, proud of Dorian’s accomplishment. There was no reason to feel proud, he told himself. Dorian had nothing to do with him anymore. Still, the feeling didn’t go away.

The applause continued until Dorian came out onto the stage, but instead of dying down, it only grew louder. Dorian smiled winningly at the audience and bowed dramatically. As he straightened, his eyes met Hendrik’s, and something electric passed between them. 

Dorian didn’t break the gaze, and Hendrik couldn’t tear his eyes away. For a moment, he thought he saw vulnerability in Dorian’s eyes, but it was gone so fast that Hendrik decided it must have been his imagination.

After what seemed like ages but could only have been seconds, Dorian turned away, smiling his charming smile, blew a kiss to the audience, and disappeared behind the curtain.

At last, the applause died down. Estelle tapped Hendrik on the shoulder. “Shall we stay to congratulate him?”

Hendrik hesitated. “He won’t come out here. We might as well leave.”

The look on Estelle’s face was far too innocent. “Oh, didn’t I tell you? We have backstage passes.”

Hendrik gaped at Estelle, but his sister only smiled sweetly. “Let’s go say hello to Dorian, shall we?”

Mutely, Hendrik nodded.

 

_ They’re not going to come backstage. The handsome, selfless doctor with the kind eyes and the noble heart can’t have any interest in _ you.  _ You’re lucky he ever noticed you. He’s not going to come back a second time. _

_ And it doesn’t matter. You’re with Iron Bull now. Remember? _

Dorian’s face was starting to hurt from all the smiling he was doing. The show was a huge success, far better than Dorian had ever expected. Reporters buzzed around him, peppering him with questions. Cameras flashed, blinding him. Admirers pushed flowers into his hands. This sort of success -- it was life-changing. This show could make his career.

Dorian was near dizzy with the glow of victory, and he lapped up the attention. Never mind that Bull wasn’t here. Dorian deserved this. He had earned it.

And yet, he couldn’t enjoy it the way that he ought to. Something was missing, and it wasn’t Iron Bull. Dorian’s mind kept wandering back to --

Hendrik.

As if by instinct, Dorian looked past the crowd -- and saw him. 

Hendrik and Estelle were standing back beyond the throng, watching him. Estelle was smiling, and Hendrik looked… proud?

“Excuse me,” Dorian said to the crowd and pushed his way through to his friends.

Estelle beamed as he approached, and Hendrik gave a smile of wonderment. And then Dorian was standing before them, so close to Hendrik once again.

“I’m so glad you came!” He didn’t know how to greet Hendrik, so he embraced Estelle, and she wrapped her arm around him.

“Your work is magnificent,” she said.

“Of course it is,” Dorian answered smoothly. “I’m almost as talented as I am handsome. Tell me, what was your favorite ensemble?”

“The dark green dress with the lace edges, definitely.”

“I shall have it made in your size immediately.”

“Oh.” Estelle’s smile wavered. “I wouldn’t be able to wear it.”

“My dear Estelle, of course you would. The color would be perfect with your complexion, and you have just the figure for it.”

“No, you don’t understand.” She bit her lip. “The clasps down the front -- I can’t do them anymore.”

Dorian was taken aback.

“But it’s lovely, Dorian, really.”

Dorian was too flush with success to accept failure now. “Well, we can’t have that. I’ll make something just for you.”

“Oh, you don’t have to --”

“I insist. A beauty like you? You must have something sensational to wear. And what could be more sensational than an original Pavus?”

Estelle shook her head in exasperation. “I know Hendrik is very happy to be here,” she hinted.

Dorian’s pulse sped up, and he turned to the man standing beside her. “Hendrik.” He put more warmth into the name than he really should have. “It’s so very good to see you again.”

Uncertainly, Hendrik held out his hand as if for a handshake. Dorian took it, and then, impulsively, pulled Hendrik closer and hugged him.

It was supposed to be a quick hug, just a gesture of friendship, but then Hendrik sighed and melted into the embrace. And it felt right, it felt so right, that Dorian just couldn’t seem to let go.

_ Iron Bull. Remember Iron Bull. _

The thought startled Dorian, and he pulled back. Hendrik’s eyes went wide, but he recovered quickly.

“Thank you,” Hendrik said.

That was a surprise. “Whatever for?”

He smiled softly. “For offering to make something for Estelle.”

“You really don’t have to,” Estelle put in.

“Nonsense.” Dorian spoke firmly. “Nothing but the best for my friends.”

Hendrik took a breath. “Dorian, would you--” He hesitated.

Impulsively, Dorian said, “Anything.”

“Would you like to -- have dinner tomorrow night?”

Oh.  _ Oh _ .

Did this mean-- did Hendrik feel--?

Dorian’s heart pounded.

In that moment, Dorian wanted nothing more than to accept Hendrik’s offer. The idea that Hendrik would leave here and walk out of Dorian’s life again seemed more than he could bear. But he couldn’t accept. It wasn’t right. Not to Hendrik and not to Bull.

No, Dorian couldn’t do this. So he forced the words from his lips. “There’s something I really ought to tell you.”

Hendrik’s brow creased.

Best to say it quickly, like ripping off a band-aid. “I’m involved with someone.”

For a moment, Hendrik didn’t react. Then the words seemed to sink in, and he flinched.

“Oh,” Hendrik said.

The wounded, vulnerable look on his face nearly undid Dorian. He wanted to take it back, to say never mind, he would go to dinner, there was no one else in the world but Hendrik.

But he couldn’t do that. He cared about Bull. Beneath his rough exterior, Bull had a heart of gold. He was clever, funny, and surprisingly caring. And Dorian couldn’t end things over a chance meeting with an old flame.

“I’d like us to be friends,” Dorian started to reach for Hendrik, then let his arm drop. “I’d rather not lose you from my life.”

Hendrik took a step back. “Yes, friends, of course.” 

From the hollow tone of his voice, Dorian knew that Hendrik didn’t mean it for a moment.

“Hendrik --”

“I’m sorry, I have to --” Hendrik gestured toward the exit. “It was nice seeing you again. Congratulations on your show.”

Before Dorian could say another word, Hendrik was gone.

Estelle looked up at Dorian with unhappy eyes. “It really was nice to see you,” she murmured before following her brother.

All the adrenaline seemed to have left Dorian’s body. He hadn’t felt so miserable about himself since he and Hendrik had first broken up, and despite the crowd of admirers descending on him once again, Dorian had never felt so alone.

 

As soon as Dorian was out of sight, Hendrik slumped against the wall.

Of course Dorian was taken.  _ Of course _ . He was handsome, talented, charming, brilliant…

...a considerate lover…

Hendrik needed to stop thinking about him. They’d been broken up for years now. Nothing was different than it had been yesterday.

So why did Hendrik feel like his heart had been ripped from his chest?

He didn’t notice that Estelle had approached until she put her hand on his arm. “Are you okay?” she said softly.

Hendrik started to say that he was fine, then stopped. He wouldn’t lie to his sister. “No. No, I’m not.”

“You still love him.”

Hendrik blinked back tears, refusing to let them fall. “Never stopped.”

Estelle squeezed his arm, and he closed his eyes. “I’m sorry,” she said.

Hendrik let out a shuddering breath. “Let’s just leave. I can’t be here anymore.”

He opened his eyes to see Estelle nod. She pulled lightly on his arm, and he started walking, letting her lead him out.

 


	4. Disappointment

Iron Bull didn’t call until two a.m. Not that Dorian was sitting by the phone waiting. No, of course not. He was simply very interested in the book he was reading and didn’t feel like going to bed.

But when the phone rang, Dorian snatched it up.

Bull’s rough voice boomed through the earpiece. “Hey there, handsome.”

“Oh, you decided to grace me with the honor of a phone call?”

All right, so Dorian was bitter.

A moment of silence, and then, “Oh. Shit. The time difference.”

“Indeed.”

“Shit. I completely forgot. We were working late, and then--”

“Let me guess. You went out for drinks.”

“Yeah. Sorry.”

Dorian stifled his anger. So the Chargers had come first. Again.

“I miss you,” Bull said.

“I miss you, too.” And he did. If Bull were here, Dorian wouldn’t have to feel so lonely. He would have strong arms to cuddle up into, a warm embrace to protect him from the world.

Instead, he was alone in his condo with, let’s face it, a book he was barely interested in reading.

“The second day of shooting went great,” Bull said. “You should see the get-up they’ve got me in. I’m not saying I look hot, but -- wait, that is what I’m saying.”

“I’m glad it’s going so well.”

“Yeah. The director says I’ve got natural charisma.” He chuckled. “She’s got good taste.”

Dorian didn’t say anything, waiting for Bull to ask about his show.

“Man, I’m really beat. I should hit the hay. Gotta get up early tomorrow. Shooting starts at six.”

“Clearly this music video is very important to you.”

“Sure. I’m telling you, this is gonna be the Chargers’ big break.”

“Well, who am I to get in the way of your beauty sleep?”

Bull chuckled again. “This is why I love you. You get me.”

Dorian said nothing.

“I’ll call you tomorrow night. And I’ll remember the time difference this time.”

“You had better.”

“Love you.”

“I love you, too.”

With that, the line went silent.

Dorian set the phone down gently. Well, what did he expect? Of course Bull was caught up in his own accomplishments. It was very exciting, after all. The Chargers were making it big. Cause for celebration, indeed.

Iron Bull didn’t know that Dorian’s show had been the biggest success of his career. He didn’t know that today might have been the breakthrough Dorian had been waiting for his entire life. If he knew, he would have been ecstatic. Dorian knew that.

But he could have asked.

Was it wrong to want more from his relationship than he was getting? Didn’t he deserve to have Bull’s attention as much as the Chargers did?

Dorian laughed at that, a dry, humorless laugh. He knew what he was worth. He was a decoration, a handsome face to look at, an enjoyable bed partner. That Bull loved him at all was a miracle. He knew better than to ask for more.

Hendrik had been different. He’d been attentive, loving, sweetly affectionate. Well, Bull could be loving and affectionate, too, when Dorian had his attention. But with Hendrik, attentiveness had been the default. Dorian had always felt...loved.

He shook his head, trying to clear his thoughts. No point in dwelling on the past. Despite seeing Hendrik today, nothing had changed. Hendrik was still the man who had put his job at Doctors Without Borders above their relationship, and there was no reason to think he cared any more now.

Dorian had learned his lesson. It was wrong to expect a lover to value him above their own career. Of course any partner would put himself first. That was the way of the world.

Dorian wouldn’t lose Bull the way he’d lost Hendrik. He wouldn’t demand more than Bull was willing to give. 

He wouldn’t be alone again.

 

When Estelle walked into the living room, Hendrik didn’t look up. He sat with his back to her in his favorite armchair, his attention entirely focused on the pad of paper he was sketching on. Quietly, Estelle stepped closer, looking over his shoulder to see what he was working on tonight.

What she saw made her heart ache. It was a picture of Dorian.

It looked just like him. Hendrik had captured his ex-lover perfectly. Dorian smirked up from the page, his eyes twinkling with mirth, his hair just slightly mussed. This sketch had obviously been drawn with love.

Estelle’s heart broke for her brother. He deserved so much happiness. To watch him suffer this way was almost more than she could bear.

She must have made a noise, because Hendrik looked up, startled. Quickly, he turned the page of his sketchbook and set it down on the arm of the chair.

“I’m sorry,” Estelle said softly. “I didn’t mean to spy.”

“Didn’t you?” Hendrik said sharply.

Estelle’s felt her cheeks flush. “I shouldn’t have looked. I didn’t think--”

Hendrik sighed. “It’s fine, Estelle.”

She hesitated, feeling the need to help somehow, but not wanting to invade his privacy. Finally, she asked, “Do you want to talk about it?”

“No.”

She should let it go. He’d made his feelings known. But his lonely expression went straight to her heart, and it didn’t seem right to walk away from him when he looked like that. She spoke hesitantly. “It must have been hard today, seeing Dorian again. I know you care about him, and --”

“And what, Estelle?” Hendrik’s voice was harsh, and Estelle flinched. “He’s with someone else. What do you want from me?”

No, she shouldn’t have said anything. Estelle felt her body close in on itself. “I just wanted to know--”

“ _ What _ ? What did you want to know?” Hendrik stood, facing her, and the anger in his face made her recoil. “Do you want me to bare my soul now? To pour my heart out? To tell you that his smile affected me just as much as it always did -- that when I saw him, all I wanted to do was fall into his arms and never let go? Do you want to hear how much my heart is breaking?”

Estelle couldn’t speak. Her throat closed up, and the words of apology she wanted to say wouldn’t come out.

“No, what you want to hear is that everything’s fine, right? You’re looking for reassurance. Well, go ahead. Ask if I’m okay. Just ask.”

Tears welled up behind Estelle’s lashes. She felt as if she’d been smacked. She and Hendrik  _ never  _ talked to each other this way.

Hendrik seemed to realize at that moment exactly what he’d said. His face softened, the anger melting away. “Estelle, I--”

But Estelle couldn’t hear it. Tears burning in her eyes, she turned and fled to her bedroom.

 

It was only a few minutes later that Hendrik knocked on her door. “Estelle?” came his quiet voice.

Estelle wiped her eyes. “What is it now?”

“Can I come in?”

Before the accident, Estelle would have stood and opened the door herself. But now, even something as little as pushing herself up from the bed was frustrating, and she didn’t want to face it. So she just answered, “Yes, come in.”

The door opened, and Hendrik stood in the doorway, hesitating. “Estelle, I’m so, so sorry.”

Estelle said nothing.

He took a step towards her. “You didn’t deserve that. I don’t know what I was thinking. Estelle, I’m so sorry for what I said.”

Estelle sighed. “I know why you did it.”

Hendrik blinked. “You do?”

She nodded. “You were hurting. You’re angry. You can’t yell at the person you’re really angry at, so you took it out on me.”

Hendrik’s brow creased. “You think I’m angry at Dorian?”

Estelle shrugged. “I think your anger had to come from somewhere.”

Hendrik took another step forward. Estelle took pity on him. “Come on, sit down.”

He crossed to her side, sitting on her left. It was a habit he’d gotten into ever since the accident. It left her free to take his hand if she wanted, or touch his arm, or any other little contact that people with functioning limbs took for granted.

She took his hand now. “It’s all right, Hendrik. I know you didn’t mean it. And I’m sorry, too. I should have left you alone.”

Hendrik looked down at her hand. “There’s no excuse for talking to you the way I did.”

“You needed to let some of those feelings out, I think.”

He didn’t reply.

Tentatively, she repeated her question from earlier. “Do you want to talk about it?”

“I just --” Hendrik let out a breath. “You’re right. I’m angry with him. I have been for years. He left me. I loved him, and he just -- he just left.” His voice trembled. “He moved on with his life, and here I am, stuck, completely stuck, and I don’t understand --”

Estelle squeezed his hand, and he put his other hand on hers.

“I should be happy for him, right? If he’s happy, and I love him, then I should be happy about that.”

“I don’t think that’s how it works.”

He shuddered. “I just keep thinking -- what’s wrong with  _ me _ ? Why couldn’t I make him happy?”

Estelle had seen them together, back in the day. She had no doubt that Hendrik had made Dorian happy, that Dorian had loved Hendrik very much. And she didn’t understand why things had ended the way they did, but she couldn’t shake the feeling that it had been a mistake. Hendrik and Dorian belonged together.

Dorian was with someone. Estelle probably ought to give up on the idea of getting him back together with her brother. But her instinct told her that it wasn’t over. And she wasn’t ready to dismiss the idea until she knew for certain there was no hope.

Hendrik closed his eyes. “I do want him to be happy. But there’s a part of me that’s furious with him for being happy with someone that’s not me. A part of me feels that if we’re not together, he ought to be as miserable as I am. And I’m so angry that he’s not.”

Estelle couldn’t say what was on her mind, the certainty she felt that Dorian still loved Hendrik, that they were meant to be. If she was wrong, and she got Hendrik’s hopes up…

No, she couldn’t do that. So she leaned her head against his shoulder, and he wrapped his arms around her, stifling a sob.

Since the accident, he’d been her support through so much. Now it was her turn to be his support.

And she would do whatever she could to see him happy again.


End file.
